Whatamistakatomaka: A Rant Against Homemade Pasta
Yesterday the ghost of Christmas past came back to haunt me, albeit a couple weeks too late. This is not a proper ghosty mind, it is something that is tangible, heavy and solid. A present that my wife bought me about 5 years ago and has been used perhaps 10 times. On such occasions, when I do finally muster up the enthusiasm to pull it out from the recesses of the cupboard, I am often left frustrated. I don't know why but there is always one small matter that seems to cock everything up. The last time I used it, I became so enraged that I wanted to throw it into the garden, grab the sledgehammer from my shed and smash it into oblivion. This object just seems to induce abject failure and I hate feeling low after cooking mishaps. Saying that biggest low I have ever experienced was losing my brand new Terence Conran chicken brick many many moons ago. I'll never forget proudly washing it up and then placing it up on the shelf in my then small kitchen next to my small but steadily growing collection of cook books. However the added weight of this beautiful terracotta was too much of a burden for the shelf that I had recently installed and the whole lot fell crashing to the floor. My wife came home from work to find me on the sofa practically in tears cradling broken pieces of pottery. When she asked what happened, I could barely croak back in the tinest voice "I smashed my chicken brick".
Sheesh, went off on a bit of a tangent there lets so back to the main object in question, the real enemy and prophet of doom, my arch nemesis, the Imperia pasta machine.
So yes every self styled foodie worth their salt should embrace such a gadget in the kitchen and many do but I just can't get a grip on the bloody thing. Past misdemeanors have included over flouring the dough. By the time I got the rollers on the final setting, the pasta was bone dry and stiff as a sheet, more suitable for limo drivers at airports picking up clients. Another time, I managed to cut the dough fine using the tagliatelle attachment but neglected to then dry it sufficiently so when I fished the pasta from out of the boiling water it had formed into a giant knitting wool ball of gloop. I did succeed once, when I used the machine to make sheets for a simple lasagne. Adjectives such light, silky and smooth came singing into my head that day as I ate this creation of wondrous beauty (I don't like to brag but it was really good). However it hasn't been repeated since. Needless to say, user error is very likely to be the cause of all this strife, I'll admit that. I can't really blame a poor, inanimate, clunk of metal for my ineptitude but where exactly am I going wrong?
Seeing as I was stuck in doors yesterday due to the horrific Arctic conditions currently paralysing our country, my house is currently buried under 43ft of white driven snow by the way, I took it upon myself to have another crack at making some pasta and to finally become the master. Also desperate times call for desperate measures, I had to feed my family somehow and besides we had run out of fusili but there was no frigging way that I was going to try and make that. The method of course is simple enough. Take some eggs, take some flour, mix, knead, leave in fridge for half an hour, take back out, divide into small amounts, run through the Imperia, passing the dough through several times on each setting, folding as you go, lightly dusting with flour if it gets a bit sticky, until you get long sheets of silken pasta which you can then use, cut or shape your hearts desire. Of course this a terribly nonchalant way of describing the whole process and hardly adheres to the slow art of making pasta but my point is that it's meant to be easy, yes? Or maybe that is where I'm going wrong, am I being far too flippant about it all?
Still this time, I am pleased to report that it all went hunky dory. Up until a point. I went ahead with Mr Pukka's recipe for basic egg pasta dough mixing 6 eggs with 600gms of Tipo '00', the finest flour that you can get and should aways use by the way. After a good old knead and bish bash bosh with some time chillin' out, the dough went through the machine fine and I managed to make some very presentable looking tagliatelle with minimum ease, time and effort. I even had some dough left over, which I reformed into a ball and plonked into the freezer. To go with the tagliatelle which was left to dry for about 20 minutes or so, I decided to make some tuna meatballs or le migliori polpette di tonno, another recipe by Mr Pukka and a very good one too.
Now of course, here comes the fall. The tuna balls which I have made plenty of times before were fantastico with a lovely mishmash of cinnamon and lemon zest coursing through the fish. The tagliatelle though, I couldn't help think transported the dish to the far east, having veered into udon noodle territory, having taken on a slightly rubbery texture and were too white for my liking. So again I ask, where am I going wrong? Do I need to buy a particular brand of Tipo '00'? Should I be using egg yolks only? Did I overboil them? (They were in for 2 mins ) Or I have I put homemade pasta on too high a pedestal and should just use the ready made stuff? I need some answers and I need them quick because that piece of facking, crap, junk, lump of shit metal will soon be heading for the bin I tell you.
I hate you Imperia
Ready to chill
Looking good so far
FU contemplates making a wig from tagliatelle
Boiling pasta, heating sauce
Crap photo, crap pasta, lovely balls
Sheesh, went off on a bit of a tangent there lets so back to the main object in question, the real enemy and prophet of doom, my arch nemesis, the Imperia pasta machine.
So yes every self styled foodie worth their salt should embrace such a gadget in the kitchen and many do but I just can't get a grip on the bloody thing. Past misdemeanors have included over flouring the dough. By the time I got the rollers on the final setting, the pasta was bone dry and stiff as a sheet, more suitable for limo drivers at airports picking up clients. Another time, I managed to cut the dough fine using the tagliatelle attachment but neglected to then dry it sufficiently so when I fished the pasta from out of the boiling water it had formed into a giant knitting wool ball of gloop. I did succeed once, when I used the machine to make sheets for a simple lasagne. Adjectives such light, silky and smooth came singing into my head that day as I ate this creation of wondrous beauty (I don't like to brag but it was really good). However it hasn't been repeated since. Needless to say, user error is very likely to be the cause of all this strife, I'll admit that. I can't really blame a poor, inanimate, clunk of metal for my ineptitude but where exactly am I going wrong?
Seeing as I was stuck in doors yesterday due to the horrific Arctic conditions currently paralysing our country, my house is currently buried under 43ft of white driven snow by the way, I took it upon myself to have another crack at making some pasta and to finally become the master. Also desperate times call for desperate measures, I had to feed my family somehow and besides we had run out of fusili but there was no frigging way that I was going to try and make that. The method of course is simple enough. Take some eggs, take some flour, mix, knead, leave in fridge for half an hour, take back out, divide into small amounts, run through the Imperia, passing the dough through several times on each setting, folding as you go, lightly dusting with flour if it gets a bit sticky, until you get long sheets of silken pasta which you can then use, cut or shape your hearts desire. Of course this a terribly nonchalant way of describing the whole process and hardly adheres to the slow art of making pasta but my point is that it's meant to be easy, yes? Or maybe that is where I'm going wrong, am I being far too flippant about it all?
Still this time, I am pleased to report that it all went hunky dory. Up until a point. I went ahead with Mr Pukka's recipe for basic egg pasta dough mixing 6 eggs with 600gms of Tipo '00', the finest flour that you can get and should aways use by the way. After a good old knead and bish bash bosh with some time chillin' out, the dough went through the machine fine and I managed to make some very presentable looking tagliatelle with minimum ease, time and effort. I even had some dough left over, which I reformed into a ball and plonked into the freezer. To go with the tagliatelle which was left to dry for about 20 minutes or so, I decided to make some tuna meatballs or le migliori polpette di tonno, another recipe by Mr Pukka and a very good one too.
Now of course, here comes the fall. The tuna balls which I have made plenty of times before were fantastico with a lovely mishmash of cinnamon and lemon zest coursing through the fish. The tagliatelle though, I couldn't help think transported the dish to the far east, having veered into udon noodle territory, having taken on a slightly rubbery texture and were too white for my liking. So again I ask, where am I going wrong? Do I need to buy a particular brand of Tipo '00'? Should I be using egg yolks only? Did I overboil them? (They were in for 2 mins ) Or I have I put homemade pasta on too high a pedestal and should just use the ready made stuff? I need some answers and I need them quick because that piece of facking, crap, junk, lump of shit metal will soon be heading for the bin I tell you.
I hate you ImperiaFinest flour you can get?
Ready to chill
Looking good so far
FU contemplates making a wig from tagliatelle
Boiling pasta, heating sauce
Crap photo, crap pasta, lovely balls 
Comments
Did you generously salt and put a splosh of olive oil in the boiling water? Fresh pasta takes hardly any cooking, as soon as it comes to the top whip it out of the water. Overcooked homemade pasta is heavy, doughy and quite unpleasant.
If I'm making a lot I sometimes cook it in batches, keeping the drained batches in a warm dish in the oven (and coating in a little tomato sauce).
It is good to leave the pasta on the side for a little while after it has been cut to harden.
Also, give the pasta a little shake before you put in in the water to get rid of the excess flour you have it sitting on.
But above all - love your Imperia and it will love you back.
I was using the Giorgio Locatelli recipe, and either he or someone else mentioned that it is possible to over roll - and I think they're right, because the second ball from the same batch of dough made perfect tagliatelle with less rolling.
I don't mean to be unsympathetic but that'd be a wicked epitaph :)
Great post though :o)
I think the trick is in the not over rolling it and in the fact it literally takes seconds to cook. As Graphic F says as soon as it rises to top its ready and that takes almost no time.
Also tipo '00' is not a grading method that automatically means the flour is good for pasta or pizza. It is a a grading system that measures how refined the flour is based on the residual ash content. So it is possible to get '00' flour that is great for cakes and different '00' flour that is great for pasta.
Try being confused by this article:
http://www.practicallyedible.com/edible.nsf/pages/italianflours
I'll try again for sure.
Btw - I love chicken bricks!
And I want a Imperia pasta machine - it was on my Xmas list...and santa didn't deliver....but now after reading your post, I'm not so sure. Sounds like a helluva lot of stress and effort.
Lizzie - you needs a Black n Decker work bench to clamp your machine, portable or easy to put away.
Catherine - hmm I think we're starting to get to the bottom of things here
Meemalee - What "Here lies The Food Urchin, he smashed his chicken brick"?
The Ample Cook - I'm sure its one of those things you just have to keep trying until you get the knack, it's just bloody getting there!
Goodshoeday - see I wondered about the brand of flour which was erm......McDougals
Raluca - join the club, there must be hundreds of us doing the same, if not thousands
Browners - the house was sufficently heated but you're right, that bastard Michael Fish is to blame.
Gastrogeek - I miss my chicken brick *sniff*
The Kitchen Ninja - what a cool name, I suppose your kitchen is cluttered with shuriken throwing stars as it is.
Niamh - actually I think I do need to try this again after all the advice (psst I do have another chicken brick, German make, not as pretty)
Dan - you don't know what a chicken brick is? and you call yourself a gourmet! tut
Kitchen Butterfly - I suppose we neglect these gadgets at our peril, no wonder frustration simmers underneath when we hardly use the blinking things. You should give yours a dusting and a whirl.
In my opinion you are either
a) not kneading it enough (if you hand kneading it you will never over knead) The dough should be elastic and spring back if prodded. 10-15 mins of good kneading is probably necessary but it depends on how well you are kneading it.
Still even badly kneaded dough should taste ok.
b) You're rolling it out to thin and thus over cooking it. More likely.
c) rolling it out to thick so it cooks unevenly
d) you just a spastic.
Fresh pasta, needs a minute, no more, actually sometimes less.
This aside, it looks delicious.
Neil - Calling someone a spaz is not big and not clever.......you fucking Joey Deacon.
Luigi - with a name like that I have to take your advice on board. A quick in and out in future then?
'Mr. Pukka' (good name) uses pretty much standard ratios of 100g flour per egg. It's actually more effective, however, to weigh your egg. You want 100g flour to 65 egg (shelled, obviously). If you find the contents of your egg a little above this, add extra flour. If below, add a bit of water. (That said Browners is right, the atmosphere does affect it but this is a good rule of thumb).
If properly kneaded (the dough should feel like a stress ball) then no extra flour should be needed to roll it out. Not sure if this applies to a machine but certainly when hand rolling.
Then once you've cut your shapes, stick in a freezer bag and freeze until ready to use.
I only know this because it was beaten into me by a dragon when I lived in Italy.
Let's have another pasta session soon (that's not a euphemism).
James.
Mathidle Cuisine - you would be more than welcome, bring dry pasta just in case though.
Wouldliketoeat - so? how did it work out, success? Someone must be doing it right, we need to know.
Sallypro1 - LOL, strange I felt a certain psychic connection when I was rolling the dough out. I wonder how many other souls across the world were doing the same thing at the same time? Interesting...