How to make egg on toast, the Food Urchin way

Hey. You. I know what you are thinking right now. You're thinking it is hot. Damn hot. Too hot. Hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk. Or pavement even.

But now that I have mentioned fried eggs, you are probably thinking - 'Hmm, fried egg. I'd love a fried egg right now. So good for you. So tasty.'

Uh-uh?

What if I were to mention toast right now? Yeah? You know, that stuff you get from putting slices of bread under a grill? Or in a toaster? Yeah baby. Toast. Fried egg. This is sounding good, isn't it?

Did I say butter? Hot butter. The kinda butter that oozes in this heat. Melted butter. Puddles of butter. Dripping. On the floor. Onto your toes. Hey dog! Get off my toes. Stop licking my toes. Actually, no.

Don't stop. That kinda feels good.

So here we are. Fried egg. Toast. Butter. How do we put this three great things together? Well, I am going to tell you. This is how you make fried on toast, with butter. The Food Urchin way.

So, let's begin. First, grab some bread. Preferably the sliced variety but hey, if you like to slice your own, no sweat. Although it is kinda sweaty at the moment.

Switch the grill on. Up high. We need to get that toast hot! Super hot. This is not the time for cold toast. However bad you need it. However bad you want to rub cold toast all over your body. Or however deluded this weather is making you. This is not the time for cold toast. No cold toast ever.

Hot toast.

Lay down the bread on your tray and then slide it in. Yeah baby, all the way in. Right under that glowing element. That only heats up in the middle. Yeah, you must get someone in to look at that.

You do pay a monthly insurance premium on the oven after all.

Leave the bread to toast. The heat from the element will do all the work for you. Unless it doesn't work properly. Then you might need to move around. That's OK. It's all about the touch. Use your fingers.

Now you need an egg. Preferably one that has come from a chicken. You also need a frying pan. And some oil. Not baby oil, baby. That's for later. You need something like vegetable oil. Or a fine blend of olive oil and sunflower oil. They've got a good deal on in Morrison's at the minute.

Put your pan on the hob. Turn it on. No, I mean the gas baby. You already turn me on. Pour some oil in. Let it heat up. Let it get hot. You want it to shimmer. Quiver. With anticipation.

Grab that egg and crack it on the side. Not too hard! We're making fried eggs here, not scrambled eggs! Ease the shell apart and let that albumen with beautiful ochre yolk slip down. Gently. Softly.

You don't wanna break that yolk.

Broken yolks mean tears. No, I am not joking about my yolking.

Let it bubble, spit, seethe. Passion baby. That's what makes a fried egg truly... a fried egg. Give it a second or two, and then rock that pan. Tilt it. If the eggs sticks that means that someone has washed your frying egg pan with washing up liquid again and that just ain't cool and you are going to have to deal that person later on in a very severe manner. Someone is going to PAY!!

But if the egg slides around? That's cool.

That smell? That faint twist of smoke in the air? That's your bread and it could be burning, so flip that muthaflipper before it does. Carbon kills. The taste-buds.

Keep an eye on that egg too. Watch those edges. Crispness isn't for everyone. Leave crisps down to crisps. Prawn cocktail. You don't want that yolk to go hard either. Or maybe you do? Me? I like it loose. And runny. I give fried eggs a minute. No more. No less.

Check your bread. Is it now toast? A good sign that your toast is toast is if it has turned brown. If it is black, then you have burnt your toast. This is the voice of experience talking here. Sage voice. Keep your toast warm.

We're nearly there now. Soon time to bring out the butter. Remember, it's hot out there. So put your butter in the fridge for 30 minutes beforehand. But if it is too hard, then put it in a microwave. And if it melts after that, put it in the freezer. Repeat until you get it right. Keep your toast warm.

Spread that butter across your hot toast with hot love. Glide the knife. Ease it into the corners. Watch it melt and seep into those holes. Downwards. Inwards. Soaking that bread through with fatty, luxurious joy.

Using a fish slice, that you've never ever used to slice fish before, quietly lift the egg out of the pan. Concentrate. Focus. This is the pivotal moment. Any lapses and that slippy egg is headed for the floor.

And for a happy dog. Don't be unhappy. Concentrate.

Finish by spritzing with a fine dusting off salt and pepper. Run it down from your fingers and off your elbow if you like. Or maybe your knee. Sexy.

Now comes the smooshing. The moment you ruin all your hard work by grinding and smooshing that beautiful runny yolk into that hot, wet toast. And simply...eat.

How was that for you? Was it good?

Yeah baby, it was goooooood, wasn't it.